Things ended with my ex-EUM almost eight months ago, but I still remember everything and thats been the hardest part. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. We were never enough of anything for her. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. Tinkerbell The biblical standard is that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to one woman. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. The Miracle is possible! And I didnt. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why should it be any different w people? Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. . Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? He deserves a guilty conscience. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. JBI Evidence Synthesis. I want to contact him less frequently. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? It simply means that youre choosing to move on. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that you're not over an issue. Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. It beggars belief! Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. Keep telling yourself that. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. It's impossible to ask for forgiveness from a person who hasn't. He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. include protected health information. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. DONT. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. Review/update the And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. You're mean to not want to go there. Or immature? Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. re my son esp. Hugs xx. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Hard pass! Its true that I want to leave with him thinking of me as a good person. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. If you're upset with someone, even if you're not fully aware that you are, you may not want to spend a ton of time with them. NC works, it really does. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. Thank you so much. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. 176 0 obj
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Good for you and your new found strength! And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. endstream
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Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. On to a better candidate. I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. Flush this man from your life. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. . I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. It was not a playful act, its who he was. I dont forget. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Youre holding a grudge! Recovery is exhausting. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. %%EOF
I coach clients on this issue as well. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. I forgive him and have prayed about it. But when someone does harm to you (emotionally, mentally), and you finally overcome that, and they try to convince you things will be positive if you want it to be. I hope you feel better soon. Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Lisa. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Thanks for your well thought out post. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! I no longer feel he is even my father. Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. Note from the examples: I was appalled by this. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. Lol. Im doing pretty well. life sucks. I think part of me has always wanted to have some sort of exit conversation and I let him know somewhat indirectly in my text that I was interested in an apology. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. Link in bio. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with It is very challenging and even breaking off all contact isnt always the answer. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. I am VERY happy for you. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. I hope these help. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. None of these are likely. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Define your terms? . Bless you for your response. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! Grudges are toxic to relationships. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. Grudges are a form of punishment. =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. I am feeling very weak like I just want to contact him to let him know how hurtful his behavior was but am trying to maintain my dignity. Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! So I relented. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. Revolution Christianity teaches that we DO need to forgive our enemies. Not doing it! Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. You do not have to forgive someone to let something go and move forward with your own life. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Didnt I Mean Something To Them? When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you're holding a grudge, even if you don't think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. That matured my arse up real quick. Ive come to terms with it rather. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Vengeance- An action of revenge or payback. Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. Good for you Noquay. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. At all. she is at the core of my estrangemnt frm my son (iniated by my son as much he doesnt know & I cannot tell him or will only taumatise him). Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. Be clear about boundaries. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. It breaks my heart a bit. Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort, Owen said. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. Closure? 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. Its more lime an addiction. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. You maintain your dignity with silence. But thats the way it is. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. You dont have the reserves necessary to consider other people at this stage and this is understandable given what you are dealing with emotionally. Cut your losses, beautiful lady, and remain NC. One of the problems with a grudge is that often the person holding it doesn't tell the person who committed the so-called hurt. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). Surely ther. This for my own sake. It took me a long time to finally break up with him and I dont think he likes that I have gone from strength to strength and that I am finally finding that woman I used to be and not the one I let him turn me into and I am really quite proud of myself for that . My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. So need this. 100%. But we really need to forgive ourselves. I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. Yeah, people pleasing. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. Nat This post was interesting to read as I am 2yrs out of a break-up & happy to be single most of the time but there are times when the past relationship or should I say the EX-EUM still haunts my thoughts. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). They always tell you who they are. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. Its unfair. Forgiveness is an act of faith. Im confused. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Thanks. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. Yeah, right. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship.